Well, this is not exactly how I wanted to spend my holidays. Thanksgiving is out of the way and Christmas is less than a month away. I don't know how many chemos I'll have under my belt by then and I'm too lazy to figure it up at the moment. Math has never been my strong point, so I would probably miscalculate anyway. I do know that my first treatment is Tuesday, Nov. 29. That is 2 months to the day from when I was diagnosed. I will have one treatment a week for 3 weeks, then take the 4th week "off". Then start again.
I am nervous, excited and praying my body responds to the poison I'll be getting. I have my good days and my bad days (wow.. my chemo hasnt even started yet..imagine my mood swings THEN!?) and I've run down my list of what I have done in my past that could have caused this. I don't smoke. I am not a "drinker", although I do enjoy a Kaluha 'n Cream or Malibu and Sprite on occassion. I don't do tanning beds. I didn't exercise like I should have. I don't eat very healthy. I don't eat fruit. I didn't have regular check ups when nothing was wrong.... bottom line is, no matter what I did or didn't do... I got cancer. TWICE. (remember my little episode with Hodgkin's Lymphoma when I was 19?)
I have tried to live normally, since the only sign of me having cancer is this mass in my breast, a spot here and there (kidney & spine) and this aggravating port that was put in last week. I get up, do what I normally do and pretend I'm ok. Oh I've had my little meltdowns since September 29.... most of the time in the shower. When nobody is around. I stand there and cry, holding on to my hair, begging God to change His mind and let this all be a mistake. But, I know He doesn't make mistakes. He has a plan and there is a reason I'm about to go through this.
Since my diagnosis, I have been blessed to have met so many new people... survivors. Brenda Calhoun was probably the first person I spoke to that had been through it. I'll never forget the first email she sent me. She gave me the run down on what to expect. I cried when reading it. I didn't want those things to happen to me. I still don't. But, in order to get better- they have to happen. She told me a few things that I will hold on to when things get bad. 1. It will not last forever. 2. You can do anything for six months. 3. You will feel like you'd rather die, but don't you dare give in.
Chemo isn't going to be fun. I dread it. But, it has to happen in order for me to get well. I know Mitch will be there every step of the way, and if by some chance he bails-- he won't get far. I know Leeann, Deana, Marnie, Deanna, Tina, Paige, Holly, Robin, Kelly and the rest of my friends will hunt him down and KILL HIM. LOL
Thanks to everybody who continues to check on me... I appreciate it more than you know.
Although I was ready to cry from reading this, in the end I laughed out loud at the hunting of Mitch and kill him line. You always sound so strong and confident when I talk to you. I've said myself...damn I couldn't be that strong and brave. I'm a wussy! You inspire me with your gracious gratitude toward your family and friends, your faith in God and your determination in beating this. I felt your pain in your words on this post. Please don't cry alone when you are down. You have such wonderful and supportive people in your life that are more than willing to share your pain and burden. It's ok to be vulnerable and frightened. Nobody expects you to be a rock 100% of the time. Keep praying and moving forward. I love you friend and I'm so proud of you. You are amazing. ~ Leslie
ReplyDeleteThank you Leslie... and I know if you could, you would come down here and join the rest of my friends in hunting Mitch down. :) LOL Thank you for being one of my biggest supporters. Love ya!
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