Overdue update....

Well, it looks like my last post was back in January, and about my 6th chemo.   It is now April and I just had my 16th chemo last week.   And I'm done.  For now.    Let me try to catch everybody up.

I have been in a funk for a few weeks.  Not suicidal or anything, but just not feeling really positive about any of this breast cancer stuff.  I haven't even bothered to look up mastectomies or reconstructive surgery on google.   My toes have been numb.  My fingernails have been sore.  I have had constant fatigue. Nothing tastes good (other than Snow Cream Miami Ice.. lol) I am still bothered by my lack of hair. My labs were low last week and I'm having to take Calcium supplements. I still have a slight rash on the back of my hands. I still have morning nosebleeds.  **sigh**

At each infusion, the smell of the alcohol used to clean the port area has started to make me sick.  I am sure its a mental thing, but still.... I have had enough for a while.  I needed a break, and yesterday I got one.

I had a PET scan at 7am at the main campus at Vanderbilt.  The nurse that accessed my port was the most gentle I've had yet.  I honestly didn't even feel the stick.  I had the PET scan, and just as I feared, as soon as they tied my arms down, I started itching all over.  (Again, a mental thing... lol)  After the scan, we headed over to the Breast Center for my other appointments.   My doctor, Dr. Mayer, canceled our appointment since I had so many other things going on - and also canceled my infusion.  (yesssssss!)    I had a mammogram at 10:30 and I have to say the techs here in the Shoals should take lessons from the techs in Nashville.  There was NO pain at all - she was very gentle.  After the mammogram, I was sent across the hall for an ultrasound.   I could tell by the way the techs were talking that they could still see something there. I couldn't make out what they were saying due to the loud humming in the room from the machines.  Probably just as well.    We met with my surgeon, Dr. Meszoely and she was very thorough.  She stayed in the room for over an hour explaining in detail about the mastectomy.  I think it really hit home as she was drawing images of breasts on her board and explaining the procedure.  I couldn't help but cry when I saw the "after" picture, complete with scar and all.

I knew this time would come.  I know it should be a positive thing. One step closer, blah blah blah.  I am scared to death though.  I haven't had any major surgery since January 19, 1996.  When I left the hospital that time, I had a baby to bring home.  This time I leave the hospital after surgery, I'm going to be missing both breasts.  I am scared of the lymp node procedure that will be done prior to surgery.  I will be awake for it and it involves injections around my right nipple.... that can't be pleasant no matter how much EMLA cream I apply.    I am scared something will happen to me while I'm under anesthesia.  I am scared the recovery will be awful.   I am scared of not taking chemo for a while-- what if something starts happening and the cancer starts acting up?  I am dreading the whole drain thing.  I almost got sick while the nurse was explaining how to "strip" the tube if it gets clogged.  I mean, I was gagging at just her explaining it to us.  I hope Mitch has a stronger stomach than I do.  LOL

So, I am waiting on the scheduler to call me with my surgery date.  I'll have the surgery, have time to recover and then in July I will start 6 weeks of radiation.  Not sure about chemo after that.  Dr. Meszoely and Dr. Mayer are going to present my case before the Tumor Board and get some opinions.  She did mention yesterday that they don't normally do bilateral mastectomies on Stage 4 TN patients.  :/  I didn't know whether to take that as a good thing that they ARE doing it on me,  or as a bad thing- for the obvious reasons.    I am still trying to stay positive though......  as hard as it is.