Chemo #5.... check. (WARNING.. this is a long one....)

Today was Chemo # 5.  Reminds me of that song, Mambo # 5 by Lou Bega that was big a long time ago.. Remember?   Here.. I altered the lyrics a bit....

Ladies and Gentlemen, this is Chemo number five.
Verse 1

One, two, three, four, five, everybody in the car so come on let's ride...
To the infusion center around the corner.
The nurses say they want my vitals but I really don't wanna.
I want a break like I had last week.
I must stay deep 'cause talk is cheap.
I like  benadryl, cisplatin ,taxol and decadron,
And as I continue, I know they're getin' their job done.
So what can I do? I really beg you my Lord.
To me chemo is just like a sport.

Chorus

A little bit of chemo in my life,
A little bit of Mitch by my side.
A little bit of chemo is what I need,
A little bit of nurses are what I see.
A little bit of traffic in the sun,
A little bit of worrying all night long.
A little bit of Vanderbilt here I am,
A little bit of Ativan makes me calm down!
Chemo number five.

Ah.... I will spare you the 2nd verse. You get it.  LOL

So. My friend Robin and her husband volunteered to take me to my infusion today.  Mitch had to work and I thought I'd give my family a break from taking me.  We had a good time.. I was able to force myself to stay awake during the benadryl part of the process... if it hadn't been for Robin questioning my nurse on everything (ROFL... love ya Robin!)  I would have slept through the whole thing, like I've done the last 2 treatments.  When this happens, I feel bad for the person sitting in the room with me. I can only imagine how boring it must be for them.  Oh, and I want to thank Robin and Charles for introducing me to "scratch offs and lottery tickets".... we stopped at that gas station beside the Boobie Bungalow (*snicker*)  and I won $5.  ;)   If I check the lottery numbers tomorrow night and I win that $30 million----  let's just say you all will know it.  LOL


A few months ago, I joined a breast cancer forum and felt it was a bit depressing reading some of the posts. I wanted to have someone to talk to that was going through the same thing, so I just basically picked someone that had posted an entry and sent them a private message.  We exchanged a few messages and then realized we were both on Facebook. (YESSSSSS!!!!!!)   So, we have kept in touch at least several times a week.  We started out on the same schedule and on our first treatment... she was such a huge help to me.  Her treatment started a couple hours before mine did (she lives in GA)  and I was constantly texting her asking, "Ok, what is going on now?"   and she would give me a preview of what to expect.  It really helped ease my anxiety.  She has a FB page dedicated solely to her journey and I keep up with her posts pretty much every day.   Yesterday she had posted on what a crappy day she was having, and I was reading her words,  I was nodding and thinking to myself, "Oh my stars!  That is exactly how I feel!!  Yes!!  This is happening to ME, TOO!"   She was able to describe things that are going on with me that I haven't exactly been able to put into words.... so, I am not going to plagiarize, but I am going to use many of her descriptions that pertain to what I'm going through. (I'll just tweak it a bit.. lol  and Amy, if you read this... I hope you don't mind)

 Unlike Amy, I really haven't had any nausea.  I take my Zofran and Phenegran religiously and that has helped me sooo much.  (not saying that Amy ISN'T... I'm sure she is... everybody is different and we ARE on a different cocktail, so that makes a HUGE difference)   I set my alarm clock for 6am even on the weekends to get up and take my Zofran.  So yeah... I don't play around with that.
I am feeling more tired.  Like, after doing one load of dishes and a load of laundry.... I need to sit down.  I am afraid its becoming confused with appearing lazy and I don't want Mitch to start resenting me for not "pulling my share of weight" around here.  I don't think he has, but I don't want him to start. I know these drugs are starting to build up in my body and with all the books he has read, he should know that as well.  I guess I just feel guilty for physically not being able to do "business as usual".
I hate the way I look.  Mostly because of my hair.  I know.... I should get over it.  Well, that is easier said than done.  My wig is not comfortable and I hate wearing it.  I hate wearing my black hat or my soft "boggans" just because I know what is under them.  To me, THIS is what makes me look like a cancer patient and I hate it.  The only GOOD thing about not having any hair is the money we're saving on shampoo and not having to fool with the straight iron anymore.  LOL
My port is still a little sore.... and every time it is accessed, my first question is "Is it working ok?"   I am so afraid I'm going to have problems with it.  I guess I'm just paranoid about it.  It looks bruised and is sore several days after treatment.  The numbing cream doesn't work, so I have to ask for the freezie
Food.  Ahhhh.  Well, I have been trying to explain this to Mitch, my mom & friends, but haven't been able to really find the words to describe it- until I read Amy's entry today.  So, I WILL copy her description on this.. lol   While I can still taste food to some degree... its "MUTED", if that makes sense.  Like, when I eat a steak (and you all know how I love my steak)  I can taste it, but its like a teaser... I can't taste ALL of it.  It is like someone has drained almost all of the flavor, but left just enough so I can tell what it is.  But not quite enough for me to enjoy it.  I'm adding more salt, sugar, etc... to things which probably isn't very healthy for me.  Its just not fun eating food you can't enjoy.
I am beginning to get ill with people and not really having a valid reason for it.  I will be in a bad mood- just because. Having a 15 yr old in the house is stressful enough, but add mama being on chemo and WHOA BOY.   We've been clashing the last few days and I feel bad about it... some of it is his fault, and some of it is the fact that I have cancer and I'm pissed off about it.  Same with Mitch.  I have been ill with him over things that normally don't bother me, but for some reason- now they make me ill.  I know his list of things I do that irritate him is probably three times as long as my list of things he does that irritates me.... so I sure don't want to get into a pointing fingers debate with him because he will win-- hands down.  I don't see how he lives with me right now, to be honest.
 One of my best friends had a NYE party this year, and I've been planning to go for weeks.  Even bought a NYE outfit.  The night before, I landed myself in the ER due to having a fever of 101.5   That may not sound too high for a normal person, but for someone on chemo, anything over 100.4 is considered  a concern.  Turns out, I more than likely overdid myself Friday (trying to help a pit bull puppy with parvo.. but that is another story) and possibly picked up a bug from being at WalMart.  I was put on an antibiotic and told to consider myself on lockdown for the next several days and do not leave the house.  If I HAD to leave for some reason, I was handed a Michael Jackson mask and instructed to wear it.  As bad as I wanted to go to Marnie's party, I knew my body wasn't ready.  So..... Mitch and I rang in the New Year at home, with the dogs.  Part of me was fine with that, another part of me wasn't. I sat here thinking how cancer was keeping me from doing what I normally do. How unfair is that to not only me, but Mitch?   That made me think of how limited I was becoming.  I can't just sit down and plan a summer vacation with friends because I have to see when my treatments will be, surgeries, etc...
I miss girls night out.  I know holidays have put a damper on things-- but now its like Monday's I can't stay out late because Tuesdays are treatment days.  Tuesday is definitely out (unless its on my off week), Wednesday is church night, Thursdays are somewhat possible because I usually feel pretty good still... Friday and Saturday I start feeling really tired and then Sunday is anybody's guess.  There is also the issue of being in a crowd.
I hate having to be careful about going out in crowds. Its like it is punishing not only me, but Mitch too. And movies.... a group of us girls always go see the midnight showing of scary movies on opening night. Am I supposed to miss out on that TOO?  Ugh.. its just so unfair. 
After all of this whining I've done.... I realize these are the things that come along with having cancer.  Things could be a lot worse.  I could be alone.  My son could decide to live somewhere else.  I could be sick in the bed. I could not have such a great support system of friends like I do.  Mitch could throw his hands up and walk out.  I could have no family to help. I could have no insurance.......
I know I need to count my blessings and be thankful for what I do have.
At the beginning of this... I had a "kick cancer's ass" attitude, and I've not had that attitude lately. I need to work on getting it back.