I guess my life is going to consist of time in between PET scans. That's ok.. I'll take what I can get as long as that time is spent in "remission".....
I went for a PET scan yesterday and got the results back today. All clear. Whew. I was worried that something was acting up since I've had a rather large knot on the right side of my back for the past several weeks. It isn't cancer related and looks like now is a good time to find a massage therapist and let them "rub it out".
I met with a plastic surgeon today as well. I have a decision to make. Not now, but soon. The surgery will be 10 hours long. I will spend 2 days in ICU, in the hospital for 5 days. I will come home with 4 drains. I will be on pain meds and unable to drive for at least 2 weeks. Did I mention the surgery will be 10 hours? And that is with his TEAM of 4-6 other doctors. I'm very nervous about it and wonder if the end results will be worth it all. I mean, I want breasts. But do I want them BAD enough? Am I being vain? God has blessed me this far, I don't want to push it. I plan on doing lots of research on the surgery and really weighing the pros and cons. I want to talk to others that have had this type of surgery and see if they regret it.
That's all for now. I know I haven't updated in a while and I keep saying I'll do better. lol
Thanks for all the prayers. They are much appreciated!!
Leanna
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
Thursday, May 31, 2012
Update from pathology report...
I posted this in Facebook's notes, but then realized a few of you that are keeping up with me aren't ON Facebook, so I am copying and pasting it here as well.
Vanderbilt called today at 1:00.
This is what I wrote down in my notepad:
Total cancer tumor size was a little over 12 cm.
Chemo killed 10 cm. Dr. Meszoely removed the invasive cancer that was left which was a total of 2.4 cms.
She removed 10 lymph nodes, 3 of which were involved. Got clear margins. Cancer is gone.
You are still Stage 4 since it metastasized to other areas (spine & kidney) and you will not be getting radiation
due to the fact you've already had it many years ago (one can't be radiated more than once in the same area) and the areas overlap. You will still need to come see Dr. Meszoely next Friday to have drains removed and set up an appointment with Dr. Mayer (my oncologist) to discuss what is next.
I wasn't sure if this was GOOD news or just news..... I was a little disappointed at not being able to have radiation just as a precaution but as my dad asked, "If the cancer from your breast is gone, what is there to radiate?" I will be asking for chemo ASAP not because I love it, but because without it, I feel vulnerable and very unprotected. Cancer has been a part of my life twice. Briefly when I was 19, and then again beginning in September 2011. When I heard the words "cancer is gone"... I wanted to fall to the floor, but then I remembered being Stage 4, I will always have cancer. I will take what I can get though and celebrate & rejoice that I didn't get the news of the cancer spreading.
Sooooo, this is good news--- and this probably puts me back at having the option of implants when its time for reconstruction. I have just about gotten used to the idea of the tram flap- even though the recovery isn't very easy.
Anyway.. .thank you all for your prayers-- they worked!!!!
Thank you, GOD, for having your hands on me.
This is what I wrote down in my notepad:
Total cancer tumor size was a little over 12 cm.
Chemo killed 10 cm. Dr. Meszoely removed the invasive cancer that was left which was a total of 2.4 cms.
She removed 10 lymph nodes, 3 of which were involved. Got clear margins. Cancer is gone.
You are still Stage 4 since it metastasized to other areas (spine & kidney) and you will not be getting radiation
due to the fact you've already had it many years ago (one can't be radiated more than once in the same area) and the areas overlap. You will still need to come see Dr. Meszoely next Friday to have drains removed and set up an appointment with Dr. Mayer (my oncologist) to discuss what is next.
I wasn't sure if this was GOOD news or just news..... I was a little disappointed at not being able to have radiation just as a precaution but as my dad asked, "If the cancer from your breast is gone, what is there to radiate?" I will be asking for chemo ASAP not because I love it, but because without it, I feel vulnerable and very unprotected. Cancer has been a part of my life twice. Briefly when I was 19, and then again beginning in September 2011. When I heard the words "cancer is gone"... I wanted to fall to the floor, but then I remembered being Stage 4, I will always have cancer. I will take what I can get though and celebrate & rejoice that I didn't get the news of the cancer spreading.
Sooooo, this is good news--- and this probably puts me back at having the option of implants when its time for reconstruction. I have just about gotten used to the idea of the tram flap- even though the recovery isn't very easy.
Anyway.. .thank you all for your prayers-- they worked!!!!
Thank you, GOD, for having your hands on me.
Monday, May 21, 2012
Surgey..check.
Well, it is Monday, May 21.This time last week I was waiting to be wheeled back into surgery. The nipple procedure was a piece of cake. I was all worked up over nothing. Could barely feel it. It was done to "light up" the cancer ridden nodes once they got in there. However, they injected me at 10am, and I wasn't taken back into surgery until 4:30 so the dye had worn off. They played it safe (from what I was told) and took the whole "clump" of nodes. I should hear back from the pathology report later on in the week.
I didn't even remember being taken back to surgery. My mom, dad, Jordan and Mitch were there with me, and I had a surprise visit from a special friend, Elizabeth. She drove almost 2 hours to come see me and she stayed with me until I went back.
When I came to... I was still pretty much loopy from the drugs so I really don't remember much until the next day when it was time for me to go home. I made sure Mitch got my pain meds filled so I wouldn't have to go without taking them for any period of time. As with the nausea medicine... the key to managing the pain is staying ahead of it, so I took my meds by the clock.
On a pain scale of 1-10, its been about a 2 most days. One night it ranked about a 9 and I had to get a nurse friend of mine to come over late to make sure nothing was wrong with my drains/incisions. Turns out, I was having muscle spasms under my right arm, where they took the lymph nodes. It was similar to a charlie horse... how it cramps up and hurts like crap.. then when the cramp goes away, it is still sore from cramping up. I called Vandy the next day and they called me in some muscle relaxers and said what I was describing was normal.
Drains. Oh my. It is the weirdest thing but they aren't bothering me at all. I mean, they are a nuisance, yes. But, I haven't gotten grossed out by them like I thought I would. We have to empty them & measure the output twice a day. I should get them out next week.
It is day 7 and the biggest problem I'm having is some pain/soreness under my arms and on my chest. It is very sore to the touch and I'm not able to bend down and pick anything up without it hurting. I am also itching on my arms and where my boobs used to be. Its frustrating to have an itch somewhere, but can't scratch it because its numb. I guess it is similar to "phantom pains" that amputees have.
I don't know what I would have done if Mitch hadn't been off this whole last week. He has done everything around here.... mainly taken great care of me. He got up every 4 hours to give me my medicine. Helped me out of my chair, brought my food & drink to me, taken care of the animals, washed clothes, done dishes. He even got IN the shower with me to help. Talk about awkward... not by him getting in the shower with me, but just afraid of what he would think seeing me. Without the bandages, and without boobs. He was so understanding and just gently kissed where they used to be. He has slept on the couch in the living room every night. (I am sleeping in a recliner in the living room.. and BOY DO I MISS MY BED!!! lol) He has emptied my drains like a professional and one time, he let me squeeze the bulb of nastiness into the cup and I gave it a few extra squeezes and he said, "Whoa baby.. you're getting lymphatic air on me..." lol He also cleaned one of my drains that had gotten clogged up with a tissue and for some unknown reason, he stuck the tissue in his pocket and didn't realize it was still there until a few hours later. LOL He has tried to lighten the situation up by making jokes and keeping me laughing. I am going to miss him when he goes back to work. :(
I also want to thank everybody that has come to visit and brought food. It has been such a HUGE relief not to have to worry about cooking supper. Frankly, I don't think I could pick up pots and pans and stand there & cook. So, THANK YOU SO MUCH!!
I am going to insert some pictures.... some are nasty, but it is what it is. Hope I don't offend anybody.
I didn't even remember being taken back to surgery. My mom, dad, Jordan and Mitch were there with me, and I had a surprise visit from a special friend, Elizabeth. She drove almost 2 hours to come see me and she stayed with me until I went back.
When I came to... I was still pretty much loopy from the drugs so I really don't remember much until the next day when it was time for me to go home. I made sure Mitch got my pain meds filled so I wouldn't have to go without taking them for any period of time. As with the nausea medicine... the key to managing the pain is staying ahead of it, so I took my meds by the clock.
On a pain scale of 1-10, its been about a 2 most days. One night it ranked about a 9 and I had to get a nurse friend of mine to come over late to make sure nothing was wrong with my drains/incisions. Turns out, I was having muscle spasms under my right arm, where they took the lymph nodes. It was similar to a charlie horse... how it cramps up and hurts like crap.. then when the cramp goes away, it is still sore from cramping up. I called Vandy the next day and they called me in some muscle relaxers and said what I was describing was normal.
Drains. Oh my. It is the weirdest thing but they aren't bothering me at all. I mean, they are a nuisance, yes. But, I haven't gotten grossed out by them like I thought I would. We have to empty them & measure the output twice a day. I should get them out next week.
It is day 7 and the biggest problem I'm having is some pain/soreness under my arms and on my chest. It is very sore to the touch and I'm not able to bend down and pick anything up without it hurting. I am also itching on my arms and where my boobs used to be. Its frustrating to have an itch somewhere, but can't scratch it because its numb. I guess it is similar to "phantom pains" that amputees have.
I don't know what I would have done if Mitch hadn't been off this whole last week. He has done everything around here.... mainly taken great care of me. He got up every 4 hours to give me my medicine. Helped me out of my chair, brought my food & drink to me, taken care of the animals, washed clothes, done dishes. He even got IN the shower with me to help. Talk about awkward... not by him getting in the shower with me, but just afraid of what he would think seeing me. Without the bandages, and without boobs. He was so understanding and just gently kissed where they used to be. He has slept on the couch in the living room every night. (I am sleeping in a recliner in the living room.. and BOY DO I MISS MY BED!!! lol) He has emptied my drains like a professional and one time, he let me squeeze the bulb of nastiness into the cup and I gave it a few extra squeezes and he said, "Whoa baby.. you're getting lymphatic air on me..." lol He also cleaned one of my drains that had gotten clogged up with a tissue and for some unknown reason, he stuck the tissue in his pocket and didn't realize it was still there until a few hours later. LOL He has tried to lighten the situation up by making jokes and keeping me laughing. I am going to miss him when he goes back to work. :(
I also want to thank everybody that has come to visit and brought food. It has been such a HUGE relief not to have to worry about cooking supper. Frankly, I don't think I could pick up pots and pans and stand there & cook. So, THANK YOU SO MUCH!!
I am going to insert some pictures.... some are nasty, but it is what it is. Hope I don't offend anybody.
 |
| These are the drains...3 of them. |
 |
| This is Mitch "stripping" the drain. |
 |
| This is me... minus my boobs. :( lol |
 |
| This is how I have to shower... that is a housecoat belt draped around my neck, with the drains pinned to it to keep them from hanging. Quite a hassle. |
 |
| Mitch has slept on the couch the entire time. Notice Mallie laying on him. |
 |
| This is how Mallie sleeps with me in the chair. She has been very gentle. |
 |
| Me and Jordan. :) |
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
Overdue update....
Well, it looks like my last post was back in January, and about my 6th chemo. It is now April and I just had my 16th chemo last week. And I'm done. For now. Let me try to catch everybody up.
I have been in a funk for a few weeks. Not suicidal or anything, but just not feeling really positive about any of this breast cancer stuff. I haven't even bothered to look up mastectomies or reconstructive surgery on google. My toes have been numb. My fingernails have been sore. I have had constant fatigue. Nothing tastes good (other than Snow Cream Miami Ice.. lol) I am still bothered by my lack of hair. My labs were low last week and I'm having to take Calcium supplements. I still have a slight rash on the back of my hands. I still have morning nosebleeds. **sigh**
At each infusion, the smell of the alcohol used to clean the port area has started to make me sick. I am sure its a mental thing, but still.... I have had enough for a while. I needed a break, and yesterday I got one.
I had a PET scan at 7am at the main campus at Vanderbilt. The nurse that accessed my port was the most gentle I've had yet. I honestly didn't even feel the stick. I had the PET scan, and just as I feared, as soon as they tied my arms down, I started itching all over. (Again, a mental thing... lol) After the scan, we headed over to the Breast Center for my other appointments. My doctor, Dr. Mayer, canceled our appointment since I had so many other things going on - and also canceled my infusion. (yesssssss!) I had a mammogram at 10:30 and I have to say the techs here in the Shoals should take lessons from the techs in Nashville. There was NO pain at all - she was very gentle. After the mammogram, I was sent across the hall for an ultrasound. I could tell by the way the techs were talking that they could still see something there. I couldn't make out what they were saying due to the loud humming in the room from the machines. Probably just as well. We met with my surgeon, Dr. Meszoely and she was very thorough. She stayed in the room for over an hour explaining in detail about the mastectomy. I think it really hit home as she was drawing images of breasts on her board and explaining the procedure. I couldn't help but cry when I saw the "after" picture, complete with scar and all.
I knew this time would come. I know it should be a positive thing. One step closer, blah blah blah. I am scared to death though. I haven't had any major surgery since January 19, 1996. When I left the hospital that time, I had a baby to bring home. This time I leave the hospital after surgery, I'm going to be missing both breasts. I am scared of the lymp node procedure that will be done prior to surgery. I will be awake for it and it involves injections around my right nipple.... that can't be pleasant no matter how much EMLA cream I apply. I am scared something will happen to me while I'm under anesthesia. I am scared the recovery will be awful. I am scared of not taking chemo for a while-- what if something starts happening and the cancer starts acting up? I am dreading the whole drain thing. I almost got sick while the nurse was explaining how to "strip" the tube if it gets clogged. I mean, I was gagging at just her explaining it to us. I hope Mitch has a stronger stomach than I do. LOL
So, I am waiting on the scheduler to call me with my surgery date. I'll have the surgery, have time to recover and then in July I will start 6 weeks of radiation. Not sure about chemo after that. Dr. Meszoely and Dr. Mayer are going to present my case before the Tumor Board and get some opinions. She did mention yesterday that they don't normally do bilateral mastectomies on Stage 4 TN patients. :/ I didn't know whether to take that as a good thing that they ARE doing it on me, or as a bad thing- for the obvious reasons. I am still trying to stay positive though...... as hard as it is.
I have been in a funk for a few weeks. Not suicidal or anything, but just not feeling really positive about any of this breast cancer stuff. I haven't even bothered to look up mastectomies or reconstructive surgery on google. My toes have been numb. My fingernails have been sore. I have had constant fatigue. Nothing tastes good (other than Snow Cream Miami Ice.. lol) I am still bothered by my lack of hair. My labs were low last week and I'm having to take Calcium supplements. I still have a slight rash on the back of my hands. I still have morning nosebleeds. **sigh**
At each infusion, the smell of the alcohol used to clean the port area has started to make me sick. I am sure its a mental thing, but still.... I have had enough for a while. I needed a break, and yesterday I got one.
I had a PET scan at 7am at the main campus at Vanderbilt. The nurse that accessed my port was the most gentle I've had yet. I honestly didn't even feel the stick. I had the PET scan, and just as I feared, as soon as they tied my arms down, I started itching all over. (Again, a mental thing... lol) After the scan, we headed over to the Breast Center for my other appointments. My doctor, Dr. Mayer, canceled our appointment since I had so many other things going on - and also canceled my infusion. (yesssssss!) I had a mammogram at 10:30 and I have to say the techs here in the Shoals should take lessons from the techs in Nashville. There was NO pain at all - she was very gentle. After the mammogram, I was sent across the hall for an ultrasound. I could tell by the way the techs were talking that they could still see something there. I couldn't make out what they were saying due to the loud humming in the room from the machines. Probably just as well. We met with my surgeon, Dr. Meszoely and she was very thorough. She stayed in the room for over an hour explaining in detail about the mastectomy. I think it really hit home as she was drawing images of breasts on her board and explaining the procedure. I couldn't help but cry when I saw the "after" picture, complete with scar and all.
I knew this time would come. I know it should be a positive thing. One step closer, blah blah blah. I am scared to death though. I haven't had any major surgery since January 19, 1996. When I left the hospital that time, I had a baby to bring home. This time I leave the hospital after surgery, I'm going to be missing both breasts. I am scared of the lymp node procedure that will be done prior to surgery. I will be awake for it and it involves injections around my right nipple.... that can't be pleasant no matter how much EMLA cream I apply. I am scared something will happen to me while I'm under anesthesia. I am scared the recovery will be awful. I am scared of not taking chemo for a while-- what if something starts happening and the cancer starts acting up? I am dreading the whole drain thing. I almost got sick while the nurse was explaining how to "strip" the tube if it gets clogged. I mean, I was gagging at just her explaining it to us. I hope Mitch has a stronger stomach than I do. LOL
So, I am waiting on the scheduler to call me with my surgery date. I'll have the surgery, have time to recover and then in July I will start 6 weeks of radiation. Not sure about chemo after that. Dr. Meszoely and Dr. Mayer are going to present my case before the Tumor Board and get some opinions. She did mention yesterday that they don't normally do bilateral mastectomies on Stage 4 TN patients. :/ I didn't know whether to take that as a good thing that they ARE doing it on me, or as a bad thing- for the obvious reasons. I am still trying to stay positive though...... as hard as it is.
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Chemo # 6. Done.
I had my 6th chemo treatment on Tuesday. I will get to skip next week, but then the following week, I am scheduled for a PET scan to see how the cancer is responding to the chemo. Please start praying NOW that it is working. I am very nervous about the results.....
As I was sitting in the waiting room Tuesday, a lady noticed my Alabama Championship shirt (ROLL TIDE) and asked if I was from Alabama. We got to talking and found out that she is from Killen, AL (about 20 minutes away) and that she also has Triple Negative breast cancer and is taking the exact same drug cocktail I am. Small world!
I have had a very aggravating cough for about 2 weeks, so before receiving my chemo, I was sent across the hall to Imaging to have a chest X-ray done. It was clear, so chemo was administered as scheduled. I am adding Claritin and Priolosec to my medicines to see if that helps with the cough. They think it is just allergy related. :/
Yesterday I got a phone call from a friend of mine who was just diagnosed with breast cancer. I have known her for about 4 years (my son used to have a crush on her... lol). She is just beginning this journey and I was glad I was able to point her in the right direction (away from Kirklin Clinic! lol) She has an appointment at Vanderbilt next week. Please keep her in your prayers... she has a 12 yr old daughter. It seems like every week I am learning about someone new that has been diagnosed. Its sad, scary and makes me angry.
That's about all I know.
Thank you for your continued support and your ongoing prayers..... it means the world to me. :)
As I was sitting in the waiting room Tuesday, a lady noticed my Alabama Championship shirt (ROLL TIDE) and asked if I was from Alabama. We got to talking and found out that she is from Killen, AL (about 20 minutes away) and that she also has Triple Negative breast cancer and is taking the exact same drug cocktail I am. Small world!
I have had a very aggravating cough for about 2 weeks, so before receiving my chemo, I was sent across the hall to Imaging to have a chest X-ray done. It was clear, so chemo was administered as scheduled. I am adding Claritin and Priolosec to my medicines to see if that helps with the cough. They think it is just allergy related. :/
Yesterday I got a phone call from a friend of mine who was just diagnosed with breast cancer. I have known her for about 4 years (my son used to have a crush on her... lol). She is just beginning this journey and I was glad I was able to point her in the right direction (away from Kirklin Clinic! lol) She has an appointment at Vanderbilt next week. Please keep her in your prayers... she has a 12 yr old daughter. It seems like every week I am learning about someone new that has been diagnosed. Its sad, scary and makes me angry.
That's about all I know.
Thank you for your continued support and your ongoing prayers..... it means the world to me. :)
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Chemo #5.... check. (WARNING.. this is a long one....)
Today was Chemo # 5. Reminds me of that song, Mambo # 5 by Lou Bega that was big a long time ago.. Remember? Here.. I altered the lyrics a bit....
Ladies and Gentlemen, this is Chemo number five.
Verse 1
One, two, three, four, five, everybody in the car so come on let's ride...
To the infusion center around the corner.
The nurses say they want my vitals but I really don't wanna.
I want a break like I had last week.
I must stay deep 'cause talk is cheap.
I like benadryl, cisplatin ,taxol and decadron,
And as I continue, I know they're getin' their job done.
So what can I do? I really beg you my Lord.
To me chemo is just like a sport.
Chorus
A little bit of chemo in my life,
A little bit of Mitch by my side.
A little bit of chemo is what I need,
A little bit of nurses are what I see.
A little bit of traffic in the sun,
A little bit of worrying all night long.
A little bit of Vanderbilt here I am,
A little bit of Ativan makes me calm down!
Chemo number five.
Ah.... I will spare you the 2nd verse. You get it. LOL
So. My friend Robin and her husband volunteered to take me to my infusion today. Mitch had to work and I thought I'd give my family a break from taking me. We had a good time.. I was able to force myself to stay awake during the benadryl part of the process... if it hadn't been for Robin questioning my nurse on everything (ROFL... love ya Robin!) I would have slept through the whole thing, like I've done the last 2 treatments. When this happens, I feel bad for the person sitting in the room with me. I can only imagine how boring it must be for them. Oh, and I want to thank Robin and Charles for introducing me to "scratch offs and lottery tickets".... we stopped at that gas station beside the Boobie Bungalow (*snicker*) and I won $5. ;) If I check the lottery numbers tomorrow night and I win that $30 million---- let's just say you all will know it. LOL
A few months ago, I joined a breast cancer forum and felt it was a bit depressing reading some of the posts. I wanted to have someone to talk to that was going through the same thing, so I just basically picked someone that had posted an entry and sent them a private message. We exchanged a few messages and then realized we were both on Facebook. (YESSSSSS!!!!!!) So, we have kept in touch at least several times a week. We started out on the same schedule and on our first treatment... she was such a huge help to me. Her treatment started a couple hours before mine did (she lives in GA) and I was constantly texting her asking, "Ok, what is going on now?" and she would give me a preview of what to expect. It really helped ease my anxiety. She has a FB page dedicated solely to her journey and I keep up with her posts pretty much every day. Yesterday she had posted on what a crappy day she was having, and I was reading her words, I was nodding and thinking to myself, "Oh my stars! That is exactly how I feel!! Yes!! This is happening to ME, TOO!" She was able to describe things that are going on with me that I haven't exactly been able to put into words.... so, I am not going to plagiarize, but I am going to use many of her descriptions that pertain to what I'm going through. (I'll just tweak it a bit.. lol and Amy, if you read this... I hope you don't mind)
Unlike Amy, I really haven't had any nausea. I take my Zofran and Phenegran religiously and that has helped me sooo much. (not saying that Amy ISN'T... I'm sure she is... everybody is different and we ARE on a different cocktail, so that makes a HUGE difference) I set my alarm clock for 6am even on the weekends to get up and take my Zofran. So yeah... I don't play around with that.
I am feeling more tired. Like, after doing one load of dishes and a load of laundry.... I need to sit down. I am afraid its becoming confused with appearing lazy and I don't want Mitch to start resenting me for not "pulling my share of weight" around here. I don't think he has, but I don't want him to start. I know these drugs are starting to build up in my body and with all the books he has read, he should know that as well. I guess I just feel guilty for physically not being able to do "business as usual".
I hate the way I look. Mostly because of my hair. I know.... I should get over it. Well, that is easier said than done. My wig is not comfortable and I hate wearing it. I hate wearing my black hat or my soft "boggans" just because I know what is under them. To me, THIS is what makes me look like a cancer patient and I hate it. The only GOOD thing about not having any hair is the money we're saving on shampoo and not having to fool with the straight iron anymore. LOL
My port is still a little sore.... and every time it is accessed, my first question is "Is it working ok?" I am so afraid I'm going to have problems with it. I guess I'm just paranoid about it. It looks bruised and is sore several days after treatment. The numbing cream doesn't work, so I have to ask for the freezie
Food. Ahhhh. Well, I have been trying to explain this to Mitch, my mom & friends, but haven't been able to really find the words to describe it- until I read Amy's entry today. So, I WILL copy her description on this.. lol While I can still taste food to some degree... its "MUTED", if that makes sense. Like, when I eat a steak (and you all know how I love my steak) I can taste it, but its like a teaser... I can't taste ALL of it. It is like someone has drained almost all of the flavor, but left just enough so I can tell what it is. But not quite enough for me to enjoy it. I'm adding more salt, sugar, etc... to things which probably isn't very healthy for me. Its just not fun eating food you can't enjoy.
I am beginning to get ill with people and not really having a valid reason for it. I will be in a bad mood- just because. Having a 15 yr old in the house is stressful enough, but add mama being on chemo and WHOA BOY. We've been clashing the last few days and I feel bad about it... some of it is his fault, and some of it is the fact that I have cancer and I'm pissed off about it. Same with Mitch. I have been ill with him over things that normally don't bother me, but for some reason- now they make me ill. I know his list of things I do that irritate him is probably three times as long as my list of things he does that irritates me.... so I sure don't want to get into a pointing fingers debate with him because he will win-- hands down. I don't see how he lives with me right now, to be honest.
One of my best friends had a NYE party this year, and I've been planning to go for weeks. Even bought a NYE outfit. The night before, I landed myself in the ER due to having a fever of 101.5 That may not sound too high for a normal person, but for someone on chemo, anything over 100.4 is considered a concern. Turns out, I more than likely overdid myself Friday (trying to help a pit bull puppy with parvo.. but that is another story) and possibly picked up a bug from being at WalMart. I was put on an antibiotic and told to consider myself on lockdown for the next several days and do not leave the house. If I HAD to leave for some reason, I was handed a Michael Jackson mask and instructed to wear it. As bad as I wanted to go to Marnie's party, I knew my body wasn't ready. So..... Mitch and I rang in the New Year at home, with the dogs. Part of me was fine with that, another part of me wasn't. I sat here thinking how cancer was keeping me from doing what I normally do. How unfair is that to not only me, but Mitch? That made me think of how limited I was becoming. I can't just sit down and plan a summer vacation with friends because I have to see when my treatments will be, surgeries, etc...
I miss girls night out. I know holidays have put a damper on things-- but now its like Monday's I can't stay out late because Tuesdays are treatment days. Tuesday is definitely out (unless its on my off week), Wednesday is church night, Thursdays are somewhat possible because I usually feel pretty good still... Friday and Saturday I start feeling really tired and then Sunday is anybody's guess. There is also the issue of being in a crowd.
I hate having to be careful about going out in crowds. Its like it is punishing not only me, but Mitch too. And movies.... a group of us girls always go see the midnight showing of scary movies on opening night. Am I supposed to miss out on that TOO? Ugh.. its just so unfair.
After all of this whining I've done.... I realize these are the things that come along with having cancer. Things could be a lot worse. I could be alone. My son could decide to live somewhere else. I could be sick in the bed. I could not have such a great support system of friends like I do. Mitch could throw his hands up and walk out. I could have no family to help. I could have no insurance.......
I know I need to count my blessings and be thankful for what I do have.
At the beginning of this... I had a "kick cancer's ass" attitude, and I've not had that attitude lately. I need to work on getting it back.
Ladies and Gentlemen, this is Chemo number five.
Verse 1
One, two, three, four, five, everybody in the car so come on let's ride...
To the infusion center around the corner.
The nurses say they want my vitals but I really don't wanna.
I want a break like I had last week.
I must stay deep 'cause talk is cheap.
I like benadryl, cisplatin ,taxol and decadron,
And as I continue, I know they're getin' their job done.
So what can I do? I really beg you my Lord.
To me chemo is just like a sport.
Chorus
A little bit of chemo in my life,
A little bit of Mitch by my side.
A little bit of chemo is what I need,
A little bit of nurses are what I see.
A little bit of traffic in the sun,
A little bit of worrying all night long.
A little bit of Vanderbilt here I am,
A little bit of Ativan makes me calm down!
Chemo number five.
Ah.... I will spare you the 2nd verse. You get it. LOL
So. My friend Robin and her husband volunteered to take me to my infusion today. Mitch had to work and I thought I'd give my family a break from taking me. We had a good time.. I was able to force myself to stay awake during the benadryl part of the process... if it hadn't been for Robin questioning my nurse on everything (ROFL... love ya Robin!) I would have slept through the whole thing, like I've done the last 2 treatments. When this happens, I feel bad for the person sitting in the room with me. I can only imagine how boring it must be for them. Oh, and I want to thank Robin and Charles for introducing me to "scratch offs and lottery tickets".... we stopped at that gas station beside the Boobie Bungalow (*snicker*) and I won $5. ;) If I check the lottery numbers tomorrow night and I win that $30 million---- let's just say you all will know it. LOL
A few months ago, I joined a breast cancer forum and felt it was a bit depressing reading some of the posts. I wanted to have someone to talk to that was going through the same thing, so I just basically picked someone that had posted an entry and sent them a private message. We exchanged a few messages and then realized we were both on Facebook. (YESSSSSS!!!!!!) So, we have kept in touch at least several times a week. We started out on the same schedule and on our first treatment... she was such a huge help to me. Her treatment started a couple hours before mine did (she lives in GA) and I was constantly texting her asking, "Ok, what is going on now?" and she would give me a preview of what to expect. It really helped ease my anxiety. She has a FB page dedicated solely to her journey and I keep up with her posts pretty much every day. Yesterday she had posted on what a crappy day she was having, and I was reading her words, I was nodding and thinking to myself, "Oh my stars! That is exactly how I feel!! Yes!! This is happening to ME, TOO!" She was able to describe things that are going on with me that I haven't exactly been able to put into words.... so, I am not going to plagiarize, but I am going to use many of her descriptions that pertain to what I'm going through. (I'll just tweak it a bit.. lol and Amy, if you read this... I hope you don't mind)
Unlike Amy, I really haven't had any nausea. I take my Zofran and Phenegran religiously and that has helped me sooo much. (not saying that Amy ISN'T... I'm sure she is... everybody is different and we ARE on a different cocktail, so that makes a HUGE difference) I set my alarm clock for 6am even on the weekends to get up and take my Zofran. So yeah... I don't play around with that.
I am feeling more tired. Like, after doing one load of dishes and a load of laundry.... I need to sit down. I am afraid its becoming confused with appearing lazy and I don't want Mitch to start resenting me for not "pulling my share of weight" around here. I don't think he has, but I don't want him to start. I know these drugs are starting to build up in my body and with all the books he has read, he should know that as well. I guess I just feel guilty for physically not being able to do "business as usual".
I hate the way I look. Mostly because of my hair. I know.... I should get over it. Well, that is easier said than done. My wig is not comfortable and I hate wearing it. I hate wearing my black hat or my soft "boggans" just because I know what is under them. To me, THIS is what makes me look like a cancer patient and I hate it. The only GOOD thing about not having any hair is the money we're saving on shampoo and not having to fool with the straight iron anymore. LOL
My port is still a little sore.... and every time it is accessed, my first question is "Is it working ok?" I am so afraid I'm going to have problems with it. I guess I'm just paranoid about it. It looks bruised and is sore several days after treatment. The numbing cream doesn't work, so I have to ask for the freezie
Food. Ahhhh. Well, I have been trying to explain this to Mitch, my mom & friends, but haven't been able to really find the words to describe it- until I read Amy's entry today. So, I WILL copy her description on this.. lol While I can still taste food to some degree... its "MUTED", if that makes sense. Like, when I eat a steak (and you all know how I love my steak) I can taste it, but its like a teaser... I can't taste ALL of it. It is like someone has drained almost all of the flavor, but left just enough so I can tell what it is. But not quite enough for me to enjoy it. I'm adding more salt, sugar, etc... to things which probably isn't very healthy for me. Its just not fun eating food you can't enjoy.
I am beginning to get ill with people and not really having a valid reason for it. I will be in a bad mood- just because. Having a 15 yr old in the house is stressful enough, but add mama being on chemo and WHOA BOY. We've been clashing the last few days and I feel bad about it... some of it is his fault, and some of it is the fact that I have cancer and I'm pissed off about it. Same with Mitch. I have been ill with him over things that normally don't bother me, but for some reason- now they make me ill. I know his list of things I do that irritate him is probably three times as long as my list of things he does that irritates me.... so I sure don't want to get into a pointing fingers debate with him because he will win-- hands down. I don't see how he lives with me right now, to be honest.
One of my best friends had a NYE party this year, and I've been planning to go for weeks. Even bought a NYE outfit. The night before, I landed myself in the ER due to having a fever of 101.5 That may not sound too high for a normal person, but for someone on chemo, anything over 100.4 is considered a concern. Turns out, I more than likely overdid myself Friday (trying to help a pit bull puppy with parvo.. but that is another story) and possibly picked up a bug from being at WalMart. I was put on an antibiotic and told to consider myself on lockdown for the next several days and do not leave the house. If I HAD to leave for some reason, I was handed a Michael Jackson mask and instructed to wear it. As bad as I wanted to go to Marnie's party, I knew my body wasn't ready. So..... Mitch and I rang in the New Year at home, with the dogs. Part of me was fine with that, another part of me wasn't. I sat here thinking how cancer was keeping me from doing what I normally do. How unfair is that to not only me, but Mitch? That made me think of how limited I was becoming. I can't just sit down and plan a summer vacation with friends because I have to see when my treatments will be, surgeries, etc...
I miss girls night out. I know holidays have put a damper on things-- but now its like Monday's I can't stay out late because Tuesdays are treatment days. Tuesday is definitely out (unless its on my off week), Wednesday is church night, Thursdays are somewhat possible because I usually feel pretty good still... Friday and Saturday I start feeling really tired and then Sunday is anybody's guess. There is also the issue of being in a crowd.
I hate having to be careful about going out in crowds. Its like it is punishing not only me, but Mitch too. And movies.... a group of us girls always go see the midnight showing of scary movies on opening night. Am I supposed to miss out on that TOO? Ugh.. its just so unfair.
After all of this whining I've done.... I realize these are the things that come along with having cancer. Things could be a lot worse. I could be alone. My son could decide to live somewhere else. I could be sick in the bed. I could not have such a great support system of friends like I do. Mitch could throw his hands up and walk out. I could have no family to help. I could have no insurance.......
I know I need to count my blessings and be thankful for what I do have.
At the beginning of this... I had a "kick cancer's ass" attitude, and I've not had that attitude lately. I need to work on getting it back.
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